BURN

These first few months of solitude, reflection, and celibacy have not been easy but perseverance and commitment brought me a sense of peace never experienced before in my life.

After a lifetime of Self hate, of anxious fear of being alone, i am finally harvesting and savouring the first fruits of my inner labour. Alone time tastes delicious and feels precious, and i am learning to use it for myself in ways that feel devoid of productivity expectations. I like myself enough to enjoy my company now. Hands idle, i can sit for hours, get lost in my thoughts, and be content and entertained.

In short, the golden dusty cloud of restlessness and fear of missing out that guided me through adult life seems to be finally settling. Things have started to look sharp in the crispy clear air which i can finally breathe in. I am more or less sure i am on a good path.

Of course this is only the last step of a journey upon which i embarked long ago, and i know there is no destination to be reached. My goal is simply to float as serenely as possible on these waters, trustful, free and composed – one with my river.

Then he texts me and my hard-earned peace is shaken to its core.

My focus is gone, my balance off, overstimulating sparkling dust encircles me again, tries to lift me up in its seducing embrace i so hard want to stop craving. Was my “healing journey” just a farse?

Let’s meet up and talk, we decide – and my heart will not stop booming in my throat, in my ears, until one day later, until the moment we end up in bed together. He will fuck me and i will leave feeling empty like a spoilt walnut.

But now i don’t know this and all i feel is my skin itching and burning with desire and my heart swelling with love, a love renewed, a love so pure i cannot believe i am feeling it, a love so huge it compresses all my organs.

A love i know i shushed for too long.

We know each other better than anyone else, we have shared so much, when i see him happiness and delight are all i feel, when i am with him i am home.

Yet we did not work. I will tell him that before meeting him i had never loved. No one has ever hurt me as much as you did, he will reply looking at me sadly. We had our chance, he will say.

Regardless of this, we will go home together, hold each other naked, my heart almost smashing my ribcage, his feelings almost crushing him. He will cry on my breast, he will cry for himself, for the girl who broke up with him months ago, for his loneliness. He will not cry for me, he never did. He will then proceed to fuck me so hard my heart will shrink and dry up, like the tiny wrinkly shadow of a walnut you find when you crack a rotten one open.

But i don’t know this now as i sit grinning on the train headed towards him, towards the moment i am going to tell him i still love him like crazy – that i am burning with a love that transcends definitions, an all encompassing love, a love so fierce and sweet it fills my eyes with tears.

The blood throbbing in my ears makes me deaf to the murmur of the river whose flow i abandoned abruptly. It is whispering to me, with a deep yet delicate voice that tickles my neck but fails to vibrate in my eardrums, that i am making reality up once again.

Looking out of the window, i remember the time we looked into each others’ eyes forever, falling into each other more deeply than ever. Every time i think of this my hart has a spasm, my throat clenches, and i want to weep and laugh and wail.

There are too many shapes and intensities to this fire, it cannot be predicted, it cannot be controlled, nor can i ever attempt to extinguish it.

I can only surrender to it and let it feed on me.

But, sitting on the same train this time in the opposite direction, a few days later (still feeling nothing nothing NOTHING! ) i will ask myself if it wouldn’t be possible to break down this fire into patterns, and try to understand it. After all, i will reflect, it turned out to be possible with many other feelings emotions and patterns, so why should the effort not work with this damned gorgeous unpredictable fire.

Because despite the terrifying cold that will be confusing my heart, i will very well know that the flames are going to be easily kindled again. All this fire needs to keep on devouring and feeding on me is a little oxygen and i will be the one blowing on it.

And maybe one day i will be the one feeding on it.